Four Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date a Gardener

When it comes to dating, gardeners are absolutely the worst people to consider. Here are our top reasons why:

4 Reasons Not to Date a Gardener

They’ll make sure you’re well-fed.

What is up with gardeners and produce? Do they think feeding you day in and day out with fresh, nutritious, and delicious fruits and vegetables is a good thing? These locally grown, in-season crops go straight from your garden to your table, making you miss out on the fun of driving to the grocery, picking from produce that are sometimes bruised, sprayed with pesticides, and overpriced, lining up to pay, and driving back home.

Instead, you’ll have to settle for homegrown goodness that’s probably organic and pesticide-free. Heaven forbid that they’re harvested in their prime. While eating at least five servings of fruits and vegetables each day is surefire way to be healthier, putting good, wholesome food on the table is not a good enough excuse to date someone. They’re probably secretly in cahoots with your doctor, making sure you visit the hospital less so your doctor can have more time playing golf.

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Say goodbye to store-bought bouquets.

Love gigantic store-bought flower arrangements? Don’t date a gardener! You can expect to say goodbye to those unmindful, last-minute purchases of on-display bouquets, as the mere thought of buying is distasteful to them. Instead, you’ll have to suffer through freshly cut, homegrown blossoms they spent months cultivating. They’ll spend hours making sure your favorite flowers are watered properly, fertilized, shielded from the elements, and protected from harmful pests just so they can proudly present you with something they grew themselves. And not just on special occasions, too!

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Gardeners are the ultimate hoarders.

I mean, just look at it! They keep all their organic waste in a pit in the yard. Sure, they cover it up with dried leaves and mulch, but waste is waste, even if it’s properly looked after and it doesn’t stink the yard up at all. Don’t buy their excuse that keeping a compost pit is a fantastic way to get organic fertilizer and to help minimize the stress on our nation’s landfills. Compost bins are icky, especially when they secretly encourage worms and microorganisms to aid in the decomposition process. Sure, you can’t see them, but they’re there, busily toiling under the cover of dirt, transforming organic waste into something practical and usable.

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They’ll invite you to stay in. That is a lie.

Tell them you feel like lazing about instead of going out and they’ll agree with you. But instead of really staying in, they’ll probably coerce you in staying out and in the gardens! It’s not enough that they spend all their precious free time gardening, they’ll want to get you to relax in their gardens, too!

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Sure, the flowers are pretty, the greenery is invigorating, the butterflies are a thrill to watch, and the air smells so sweetly that even that ordinary glass of iced tea you’re served tastes like perfection itself. Indoors is indoors and outdoors is outdoors! Even if said outdoors incorporates the little creature comforts you love, like a hammock and a shady bower. Even if it’s the ideal place for relaxing and catching up with each other, a lie is a lie, even if it’s just semantics.

Convinced already? We’re sure you are. Gardeners are nurturing, nature-loving, practical, and thoughtful, all characteristics that you’d want to avoid in people you want to go out with. So keep away from those awful gardeners! It will be the best dating decision you’ve ever made.

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